14 days is too long, and not long enough :-(

One day and my love will be home for two whole weeks.  This happens every month.  He works for 14 days and is off for 14 days.  For the two weeks he's off we have all 6 kids and it's like heaven and for the two weeks he's working it's just Adam and I and it gets lonely.  Today is December 19th, and since tomorrow is his last day on, that means he'll be home for Christmas and New Years.  Yay! 
I love spending time with him and I'm pretty sure he likes spending time with me, which is good because we have the rest of our lives (and longer) to spend with each other.  He's so amazing.  I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without him.  We're figuring each other out, having less tension, and learning to share our lives and our children.  I'm so excited to have our entire family together for the Christmas Holiday.  Last time the kids were here and George was off we started getting ready, but we still have so much to do once they come back, and only a few days before Christmas!


Seritta and Camilla decorating the tree



I love this picture of Jarom



It was fun making the graham cracker village with the family



Adam helping set up for Trees for Charity



Apparently Seritta thought the icing was for eating, not decorating.

The title of this post is "14 days is too long, and not long enough".  Doesn't make much sense until you understand our living situation.  The 14 days I have with the entire family is not nearly long enough, and the 14 days they're gone is just way too long.

Accept Accountability? I don't want to!

My girlfriend Lezhai posted a link to a blog on my FB page for me called "30 things to stop doing to yourself".  I thought it was a good read so I browsed the site and found several other good thought provoking articles and eventually came across one called "12 ways to get a second chance in life".  It looked interesting to me so I started reading but stopped at number 4 which read:

4. Accept accountability for your current situation.

Either you take accountability for your life or someone else will. And when they do, you’ll become a slave to their ideas and dreams instead of a pioneer of your own.
You are the only one who can directly control the outcome of your life. And no, it won’t always be easy. Every person has a stack of obstacles in front of them. You must take accountability for your situation and overcome these obstacles. Choosing not to is giving up.

For whatever reason this made me uneasy.  I couldn't put a finger on WHY it made me uneasy so I've been sitting here thinking and I realized I just don't like it.  I don't think everyone is responsible for their current situation.  I say this because looking back 2 years ago in my life, December 2009 my husband Steve moved out.  This was not something I chose, however I tried to take responsibility for his choices and it tore me up.  I took blame for everything from gaining too much weight to nagging too much to not praying hard enough or reading enough scriptures, clear back to 9 years earlier when I made the choice to get married without really praying about it.  So what was it?  Was I too fat?  Did I marry the wrong person and the consequences came 9 years later?  At times I find I still wonder what it is and what I did wrong.  I know I made mistakes, and I know I made mistakes that were a big deal and more often than I should have but I don't believe I did anything "bad" enough to end up alone in a place where I knew no one and was suddenly abandoned by the one person I should have been able to depend on 100%. 
I had to realize that I wasn't in that situation because I chose to be or that it was my responsibility.  What it boils down to is that he chose his addictions over his family.  He was given a choice to keep his family and give up an addiction that could ruin the lives of our sons if they became ensnared in it, or leave and take his addiction with him.  He chose the latter.
I can't look back in my life and pinpoint the one mistake or choice I made that placed me the situation I was in because there isn't one.  When I got married I had no idea he had the problem he did.  It took me a whole year to figure it out.  I wanted to help him, I wanted to fix things, and I went to my bishop a year later when I found that I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried.  My bishop counseled me to stay, through good times and bad, sickness and health, just as I had promised in my wedding vows.  So I stayed.  I went through another 7 years of heartache, finding the problems over and over, struggling with my self esteem, wondering what I did wrong and giving him chance after chance because I knew if I tried, the Lord would pull me through and make everything better.  I followed him to California, sure that once we were in a place where he was happier, with a job that he enjoyed doing, he would lead a better life and be the husband he should have been all along.  He left us 3 months later.
I think if we Accept Accountability for ALL of our situations, we'll end up in a cycle of regret and guilt.  If I choose to blame myself for suddenly becoming single, I would forever question and wonder and have feelings of failure and shame.  And if I choose to believe that I was being punished for marrying him 9 years earlier, then I know I would be too scared to do anything for fear it may not end up the way I want it to, therefore resulting in more guilt for making a "mistake" I didn't know I was making. 
So, I can accept that allowing myself to get up to 172 pounds made him unhappy with the way I looked.  I can accept that I nagged too much, that I was short tempered, and that I made many other little mistakes over our 9 years together, but I will also accept that these things that made him unhappy are not the reason he left.  They aren't the reason we were in a crappy situation.  They didn't help but if it comes down to just one reason, it's that I wasn't good enough for him, which wasn't my fault.  I can accept that how I've handled my life the last two years since then is my responsibility (for the most part) but that I can't make people be nice, I can't make them love me, I can't make them be honest, and I can't keep them from hurting, abandoning, and affecting other peoples lives. 
But I'm so grateful that Steve took his problems and left when he did, because without his choice to walk away, I wouldn't be here in my warm comfortable home, married to the love of my life who makes me feel amazing, and surrounded by my 6 wonderful children.

Winters from my past

Last night it snowed. And snowed.  And snowed some more.  This morning when I headed out to start my vehicle, I found that my sweet husband had cleared a path from the front door of the house to the drivers side door of the Sequoia.  He does little things like this that are not little things to me, and it's all part of why I love him so much. 

I've been thinking of winters in the past, and the memories associated with each one, some good and some not so good.  I'm going to share a few of these memories, mostly for myself to clear my head I suppose. 

I'll start with the first memories that entered my head on the slippery roads this morning, the annoying ones like chopping wood in the freezing cold, slipping and falling on the ice while I carried baby Camilla, and all of my children getting RSV, each on different years. 

Dwelling on the annoying memories brought worse ones, like the Christmas Steve had to work and Adam and I spent Christmas Eve with Ryan's family, feeling out of place.  The car accident near the college which spun us around twice and smashed Camilla's leg between the door and the seat.  The winter in Provo when Steve was unemployed and I made the kids stockings small since all we had to put in them was a bag of candy the bishop brought.  The first divorce, right before Christmas.  The second divorce, 9 years later also right before Christmas.  The year Latrisha's baby died. 

Strangely, with these thoughts in my head, I was suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude that my children are all with me and that my life is what it is.  The bad memories were replaced by sweet, fun, and happy ones.  Christmas two years ago in Fountain Green.  Jan and Annalee under the house with me in below zero temperatures replacing pipes again and again, sometimes in the dark and sometimes early before the sun had warmed the day but always laughing with or at me.  Me and the kids sitting on the cold linoleum in the kitchen with our feet in the air by the woodburner.  Watching Steve roll over and over down the hill we were sledding on and him laughing in the cold snow that he hated more than anything in the world.  Chase dropping our Shih Tzu in the snow and laughing when it disappeared.  Christmas caroling with the missionaries when I was a teenager with Jared and Sariah Hill.  Me and Becky hurrying out of the family room to avoid feeling awkward when we saw the tears in mom's eyes the year dad replaced the synthetic stones in her mothers ring with genuine stones.  Colin pulling his winter hat over his face and down to his neck so he could stick his head in the snow like an ostrich.  New Years Eve with Karl and Tammy in the big family room at mom and dad's watching the ball drop as the clock struck midnight when Karl looked at my dad and with genuine disbelief and said, "Wow, 1995 already.  Can you believe it?"  Colin falling off the roof on Christmas day and breaking his arm and dad getting mad because mom took him to the emergency room.  Mom answering the phone "Merry Christmas" instead of "Hello".  Kevin chucking a can of stain in the family room Christmas night as we watched it explode all over our new gifts.  Colin chasing down whoever was leaving packages on our porch for the 12 days of Christmas (he didn't catch them).  The tree falling over 3 times in the family room with Joan on the ladder.  Finding Stella's letter under the tree that said she loved me, and knowing it was true even though I was awful to her.  That same year we unwrapped and rewrapped our presents so mom wouldn't know, even though I'm sure she did.  Ice skating on the pond behind our house.  Sledding by the highway with Liz Cranney.  Grandma Sadlier giving us gloves for Christmas. The year Granpa Elliott lost our Christmas gifts and found them months later in his top drawer.  Moon boots and snowsuits in the entryway.  Everybody getting leatherbound scriptures for Christmas in the Naples house.  Snowmobiling at the Naples School.  The ugly trees that looked like sagebrush dad would bring home from the book cliffs and mom would turn them so the gaping hole in the middle faced the window, away from the family.  Fudge and peanut brittle in the electric skillet.

A lot of these memories came as I was typing other ones, and most of them are in order of my life, from the most recent to memories from more than 20 years ago.  I may complain about my life and I may find myself resentful and bitter at times just before Christmas but when it comes down to it, I only put a fraction of my past in this post.  I have so much to be thankful for.  So many times that my family has been there making me smile and teaching me lessons that I'll always keep with me.  I'm sure in the next few days I'll post more recent memories of the last 13 years with my kids and the memories we've made together, since this post is mostly about my childhood memories and not theirs.  I love that thinking back over the years I'm finding good memories that overpower the yucky ones :-)

Halloween, Thanksgiving and George's surgery

How do I sum up the last month and a half?  I don't know... perhaps I need to set an alarm to remind myself to blog every week or two.  We had the kids for Halloween and it was of course, a blast.  George's ex-wife Stephanie came along and I think it was good for the kids to have both of their moms together sharing their memories.  Kellie and I spend most of the week before Halloween making Jedi costumes for her family and Death, Grim Reaper, Vampire, and witch costumes for us.  It was a lot of sewing, and also a lot of fun!

Seritta, Adam, Cami, Dominick Jarom, Chase, Kellie, Draden, Jake, Savannah, Vanessa, and Brian.

Adam and Grandma Merrell

Dominick, Jarom and Adam

George's wig was the bomb!

Thanksgiving was spent with George's mother, aunt Lois and cousin Kacei, Annalee and Brian, and our children.  I love George's family :-)  They've been so welcoming to me and they're great people.  I wish I'd known George's dad, Norman.  I've heard the stories of him and what an amazing person he was.

Adam and cousin Kacei at grandma Merrells house on Thanksgiving. Isn't she beautiful?

I've started working for my neighbor Adele Hanchett at the local bridal shop, Bridal Affairs.  That name cracks me up.  Every time I say that's where I work I get a raised eyebrow or "Is that REALLY what it's called?"  It's a fun place to work and I felt like I belonged from day one.  I'm surrounded by lace and ruffles, sparkles, jewels, pearls, and all other sorts of girliness!  Camilla and Seritta came in one day and played dress up with some of the prom dresses.

George and Seritta went hunting the day after Halloween in Wyoming.  Just after Seritta got her buck (they'd both gotten a doe that morning) George put his hand through a fence post!  They stitched it up out there but did a pretty crappy job and more than a month later he ended up having surgery to figure out why the infection won't clear up.  We still don't know, and his hand still hurts and is yucky.  He's now having to pack it with gauze which totally grosses me out. 

George and Seritta and their deer.  It was Seritta's first.

Seritta's Whitetail buck!



Ouch



Still gross, a month later

George after surgery. 
He called the nurse Baby while he was dopey!

Fun in the bathroom

When I was single with girl roommates and company always in and out of my house, my little family and I started leaving messages on the bathroom mirror with dry erase expo markers.  Little I love you's, you're amazing, thank you, etc. 
Since marrying George, I've bought some more markers and we continue our fun game in the main bathroom.  Most of the time I don't want to erase it because everything on there is so sweet.  When George and I have tension, the girls leave little notes or scriptures reminding us that we are in love and trying to help us along the sometimes rocky path of blending our family.  Usually the only people to leave a mark on the mirror are me, Seritta and Camilla but lately the rest of the family has started messaging now and then and I find I really really like it :)

I love my family.  So much that sometimes I almost cry just thinking about them.  I am truly blessed to have such amazing people in my home sharing my life with me and I would be lost without them.

Bras for a Cause

My girlfriend and neice Annalee is always doing volunteer stuff.  She's on the relay for life team and her latest endeavor is called "Bras for a Cause".  So... a bunch of people decorated bras in all crazy looks and wore them to Little B's last Friday.  Several were auctioned off and although I don't know the exact amount, I think they raised quite a bit of money for breast cancer research.  My friend Niki and I spent an entire afternoon decorating and here's the finished product:

It was a fun night, but being in the bar scene just didn't feel right and with my arthritis in such a flare I can't wear heels for too long and I was in 3.5 inchers that night, ouch!  So we went, got checked out and hit on by the drunks and left after only 30-45 minutes.  It was a fun memory for us and we'll probably do it again next year :)

I found the stalker!

It's Kelly Townsend, who commented on a post I have deleted without even knowing she commented!  Oops.  Just found them in the comments section.  Ah well, unfortunately I deleted the post a few weeks ago without seeing the comments beforehand.  So... On with my life I go :)

I'm being stalked :-)

So, I have a new follower which means my followers has gone from 9 to 10.  I'm in the double digits now and I'm gaining in popularity.  The problem is this follower is confused. 
He or she has their name listed as Fake Friends Suck (there's a hyphen in there somewhere but I didn't pay enough attention to remember where).  I don't know if it's a he or a she or maybe a she-man. 
I, however am a real person with a real blog and a real name and real followers, although I think very few of them actually follow, which is fine because as anyone can see this is just a venting place for me.  My own husband doesn't even read my blog.
I think anyone with a follower named Fake Friends Suck would check out that particular profile, which is exactly what I did.  Like, a few times.  And guess what?  They don't have a blog or a name, in fact they only follow one blog.  Which is of course mine.  They've had 4 profile views and I know at least 3 of them were me, maybe even all 4.
I'm very much a people watcher, therefore I've become a blog stalker and a Facebook stalker.  I  Facebook stalk everyone.  I FB stalk my ex husbands girlfriends so I know who my kid(s) are being introduced to, I FB stalk my ex husband's sister because she tried to sue me for the boob job my ex husband is supposed to be paying for and I want to know her life sucks (which it does).  Petty, I know.  I FB stalk my ex boyfriends because, well who doesn't?  I FB stalk the bishop, the primary and relief society presidents, the neighbors, the kids teachers and friends who have an account.
I stalk pretty much anyone I can, and anyone who says they don't do at least a little stalking is lying because we all want to know something about someone.
I know I just made myself sound like a crazy person so lets get this straight.  I generally drop in on someone once. Or in some cases every few months.  I look at pictures, check out the family, make sure they aren't too weird and if they clog up my newsfeed I unfriend or block them, and if I never see them on the newsfeed I forget they're even on my list.  I don't have time to stalk more than that.  I have six kids and when I don't have all six of them I have a house to clean, people to visit, an adorable dog to play with, FIVE kids that I babysit and haul around even when I don't have my own children, and other important things to do that other moms do over the period of a month and I do in two weeks.
So the point of this post is that there's really no point other than to let the stalker know that I know they're there and that I'm ok with it.  It almost freaks me out, but more importantly makes me feel sorta like a celebrity.  So, thank you stalker who may or may not be a she-male and may or may not even stalk me at all (um, ya right) but who has now put me in double digits and made me feel important.  I should have found a stalker years ago.
If I actually have anyone who reads my blog, please visit this link so my stalker can have a few more views than the 6 I've made (I had to check the page to make sure the link worked, so now the views are up to 6!  Congrats stalker!)
 http://www.blogger.com/profile/14185101679049893589
And I just have one question.  If I have a real profile, and Fake Friends Suck has a fake profile, doesn't that mean I'm real and they're fake?  So are they saying they suck since they're a fake friend on my profile?  Now that's deep.

The Rules

George and I just hit our 4 month anniversary. No, not our 4 month wedding anniversary, but our 4 month anniversary of the first time we met. And a week before that we hit our 2 month wedding anniversary. When we talk about memories that we've made we're always like, uh were we just dating or were we engaged at that point? Then I thought, we can't remember because we dated for just under 3 weeks, and were engaged for like 4 weeks after that. It feels like so much longer. Feels like we've been a family forever. Our children bonded immediately, the girls went to camp right after he proposed and the bonding that happens at girls camp is so amazing, I remember the times I was camp leader and the connections and friendships made. The girls introduced each other as sisters and they've BEEN sisters since then. They text each other, they support one another, they protect and love each other and it's wonderful to see and feel.
I have a connection with the teenagers Camilla and Seritta.  George has a bond with 7 year old Vanessa. We both love them all but it seems that I've sorta claimed the older ones and he naturally babies the little one. The boys are just boys and we love them all the same :-)
So, back to my adorable husband. I swore when I moved here that I would never marry a Vernal boy. Ever. Because I didn't want to be stuck in this podunk town for the rest of my life and the chance that we were related was much too high. That was rule number one.
Rule number two was I would never marry an oilfield worker. There's so much porn and swearing and drugs and infidelity out there and I know the temptation is hard for men to resist. Also, there's the chance that they could leave for weeks at a time and that hurts the bond between husband and wife. I know this because my last husband would leave for weeks and I was pretty much a single mom with young kids. Raising kids alone wasn't as hard as missing my husband. So, oilfield worker was out.
Rule number three was nobody with kids. I get really attached to kids and if there's a breakup it destroys me. So, no dating anyone with kids because I wouldn't be able to let them go. That's hard to find in a Mormon town and I knew I'd be single until I was ready to go back to California. 
And rule number four. No talk of marriage until at least 6 months of dating.  I met my first husband four months before we married, my second..well... one date.  For reals.  I got my third ring less than two months after meeting and we broke up right after.  My fourth ring took only two months and we broke up six weeks later.  So... I've never had a serious relationship that lasted more that a few months until I either married them or we called the wedding off.  I never knew about the addictions, girlfriends, history, etc.
All of that was ruined with George. And I'm so glad. He was raised in Vernal, knew my whole family, and we went to the same ward. He was six years older (I've mentioned that) than me so I don't remember him but his sister lived next door too him, and her daughter (his neice) was one of my besties. We used to play barbies together and she was my boss at Ace Hardware a few years ago.  We chill at the Chinese restaurant from time to time and have girl bonding. Her son and my daughter were in 1st grade together and now go to the same middle school. So, since my family was raised in Jensen and his in Naples (like 5 miles apart) there was a risk we were related. He actually checked before our first date because he was also nervous about being related and although there were a few marriages between members of his family and mine, like cousins and second cousins, there was no blood relation. Rule number one, no marrying a Vernal boy, out the window.
Rule number two, no oilfield. Well this is an oilfield town and he works on a rig, one of the most dangerous oilfield jobs out there, but good money. He's so amazing and so into the gospel that he will never give into the temptations out there because he knows he always has the protection of the Lord and the Holy Ghost as long as he lives right, which he does. In fact it's just opposite. He's a good example to those around him and he knows it. There's stability in that he's been at the job a long time, there's peace in knowing he doesn't participate in "extra curricular" activities at the rigs. So, rule number two out the window as well.
Rule three. He had three kids. He had a teenage daughter, and I adore teenagers. That was probably the scariest part, because the bond I felt with his oldest daughter from day one was so strong and I knew I would be heartbroken if I fell in love with his kids. So out with rule three.
And rule number 4, a very important rule.  No engagement until at least 6 months of dating.  George and I met and married in 7 weeks.  I don't think I've said much about that time because I was so afraid he would leave me.  So afraid of the humiliation that comes with telling everyone I've met Prince Charming and that he and I will live happily ever after in his castle, only to turn around and tell them I was wrong once again and that Prince Charming is still in love with someone else, or that he has an addiction that is far more important to him than an eternity with me, or that he just doesn't love me enough.  That I simply wasn't good enough, spiritual enough, thin enough, calm enough, and that he couldn't handle who I was and am and will always be.
I finally found Prince Charming.  I kissed a lot of frogs to get to him and found a lot of heartache (and some happiness as well) along the way.  And we live happily ever after in his Castle, where he comes home to me every night and I know that to him I am good enough, spiritual enough, thin enough, calm enough, and that he can handle me.  And I know he's in love with me and only me and that nothing is more important to him than an eternity with me and our family.  He is everything to me.  I couldn't imagine life without him and I haven't even known him for six months, let alone dated for that long.  I can't imagine feeling like I have before where I knew I wasn't worthy of being loved or of feeling this kind of love for someone else.  I thought he was cute and fun and maybe acting a little more religious than he really was and probably playing up the wonderful family man, but we all try to show our best side at first, right?  Wrong.  He showed who he really is.  He loves his children, he loves his religion, he checks in on his mother and he lives a life I thought impossible for a man to live without a woman pushing him.
So, I'm finding that when I'm involving the Lord in my important decisions (which I didn't the first three times, not sure what happened with the fourth because I thought I was involving the Lord with him and actually recieving promptings and answers) that he will guide me in his own time.  I was praying about George before I even met him face to face.  I was getting a blessing right after and learning about him and praying like crazy.  He was fasting and praying 8 days after we met and found my ring on day 9.  I didn't expect this, I didn't expect him, and I didn't expect the Lord to answer my prayers, at least not so soon.  But he did.  And it was so right.  I have seen my testimony grow since I found George.  I've started to trust the Lord, to love myself, and to want to be a better me every day.
I now know that I can make as many rules as I want and map out my future perfectly, just the way I think my life should go.  But if the Lord has another plan and I listen to him, I will choose to live the life he has planned for me and understand that his plan is sometimes different than my plan.  And that's ok.

Salsa

Ok so making salsa.  Wow, making salsa was CRAZY.  Like, 50 onions, 30 green bell peppers, 25-ish jalapenos, garlic (no clue how much), vinegar, and SUGAR!  Over a period of 2 days, it felt like we got hardly any salsa out of it.  It was ridiculous and I'll NEVER EVER EVER do it again!  My hands smelled like onions for days, and my hair as well, no matter how many times I scrubbed it.  I will say the salsa turned out out yummy and sweet and perfect for me.  Too sweet for all six kiddies and my husband so I made a mild/medium batch which was like super hot for me, perfect for everyone else in the family. 
The bonding time I had with Vickie and Kellie was the best part of it and almost worth the time it took to make the salsa.  I love that I'm able to bond with my kids stepmother (Kellie) and that she's like a sister to me.  I love her very much for who she is.  So, salsa was a success, the experience unforgettable, but I'm so over it.  Never again, I swear it!