Sunday, July 31, 2011

88 hours 45 minutes

88 hours and 45 minutes until my wedding.  And I'm not ready.  I don't think I'll ever be ready.  I'm excited and not afraid about marrying this wonderful man, but worried about how the families will blend.  I wonder if it will be hard or if it will come naturally.  I hope it isn't like a warzone it our house.  Our house... the sound of that is so amazing :-)  Our house, and our kids and our life.  And what a wonderful life I'm anticipating with a man who loves me, loves the Lord and loves his children.  And I thought moving to Vernal meant giving up my chances at marriage so that my kids could be near their dad.  How wrong I was, and how grateful I am that I came back and found my future waiting right here at home.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Pre-wedding stress

Two weeks from tomorrow is my wedding day.  While I'm stressed that all of the planning has to be done in such a short amount of time, the wedding isn't the main worry tonight.  It isn't even the issue of moving a family of four in with another family of four and becoming a family of eight.  In a three bedroom house.  With six children born over a period of six and a half years.  Or moving all three bedrooms around so the three girls get the biggest room since two of the girls will be teenagers and praying that those two teenage girls who are suddenly sisters become best friends rather than mortal enemies.  It's not having all three boys (two of them only six months apart) in the smallest bedroom and hoping they survive each other.  And that the bedroom and furniture survive them.
Tonight, while my soon to be husband is at work and my son is sleeping on the couch as I update the blog rather than work on moving the bedrooms, I find myself feeling scared and excited and wishing I had more time but also hoping the next two weeks passes quickly.  Now we'll have a husband and daddy who loves us and wants to take care of us.  And he really does love us, and he really does want to take care of us. 
I just hope it doesn't go away like it has in the past, over and over.  I hope we'll have a happy loving family with children raised in a home centered around Christ and the gospel.  And I hope and pray that I don't fail again as a wife, because more than ever I just want my children to understand that life is about more than parties and dances and endless dating.  I don't want them to believe that marriage is disposable, that relationships are temporary or that daddies leave when things get too tough.  But it's so very hard to expect the kids to believe in happily ever after when I've proven to them that it doesn't exist.  So tonight I will pray that I can finally show them it does.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Proposal

The boyfriend is now the Fiance!
Not sure if I've even mentioned his name on here because I was trying to avoid drama if this didn't work out. Apparently it will work out perfectly. He is George Merrell, and he is wonderful. I met George years ago as a child I'm sure, although neither of us remembers the other. I think we were in the same ward, as he lived only a few miles away and knew my older brothers. Back in October or November (can't remember) our friend Misti... who I now owe my LIFE to... introduced us on Facebook and he sent a message now and again, completely disappearing during the times I was in a relationship and engaged but popping back up when I was single. I moved back in May, and we went on a hike June 11 with his three children and my Adam.  Pictures were posted on Facebook that night and everyone assumed we were dating and had been for a while. 3 days later he held my hand for the first time and 3 weeks plus a day after that, on July 6 he proposed. Add it up, and we had 3 1/2 weeks from first meeting to engaged. We'll be married August 4th, less than 2 months after meeting.
I don't know exactly how it happened, or how fast. Many of my friends say I'm crazy, that I'm on a rebound, not thinking straight because of my recent breakup, lonely or just want a daddy here for Adam. All I know is that I've prayed, had a bishops blessing and felt peace and happiness.  I truly believe the spirit is present when we're together in his home, watching our children and planning our future. George fasted and prayed before proposing and I know he loves the Lord, he loves the gospel, and he listens to the spirit. Had he not gotten an answer that this is right, we wouldn't be together planning forever. I love this man, I love his children, and I love the thought of knowing he'll be mine every day for forever.
All this talk of forever... does this mean temple marriage? Unfortunately not yet. I am still sealed to my first husband and anyone who has experienced this in the church knows how long it can take for a sealing cancellation to process. We both have some steps to take before we're at that point, and hopefully soon I'll be able to submit the paperwork to the first presidency.

And finally... THE PROPOSAL!
Last Wednesday we went to Red Canyon Lodge up by Flaming Gorge dam for dinner. I had been hoping and feeling a proposal was on the way, however I didn't expect it that night and I thought his niece (one of my best friends since we were babies and still one of my favorite people) had just given him my ring size a few days earlier.
After dinner, we went to the lookout where the weather was perfect and the view was beautiful. He kissed me, took my hand, and asked me to marry him.  It sounds so cheesy on here and doesn't even compare to the thoughts and feelings that were in that moment. I was full of love and happiness as I looked at the man I adore and thought of our future together.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


"Sometimes God gives us reminders to hold those we love just a little nearer then we did the day before. Life can change in an instant, or what you thought was one way is really another."
My sister in law, Shalain posted this quote as her Facebook status a week or so ago and I have no idea if she said it or someone else but I found it interesting in light of what my dad has recently gone through. Here I've been contemplating life and eternity and when I called my mom to check on dad Sunday she told me that our cousin Donny had died. He was older than me, and we weren't close but he had teenage boys he was caring for and he will be the third child his dad will have to bury. Although I wasn't close to him personally, I felt the shock that we all feel when someone we know has died and my thoughts immediately went to his father, and then to my children and my own parents. The common theme in my blog posts has been how grateful I am to be back home and this weekend was just the same. More reminders of how wonderful my crazy family is.
Yesterday was independence day and last night I had a barbeque with my niece, Brianna and her husband Matt and my nephew, Tyson and his wife Kim. Afterward we set off fireworks with some of the people in our ward and ended the night with a visit to see my love. The entire day was full and fun. I went shopping in the afternoon with one of my best friends, Annalee and just had some good girl bonding time. Every Independence day, Vernal has an annual parade as most cities do and I sat in front of Jubilee with my older children, their siblings and their stepmother as we watched the typical Vernal parade (which is actually really pathetic). The kids ate sticky blue popsicles and when it was done they headed home with their other mother. After the parade, my boyfriends children passed by and said hi, his youngest daughter stopping for an enormous hug and after they left and my own kids were gone I sort of felt the same sting I felt at the airport last week when I dropped my baby off to fly in a big plane all by himself. I was sad for a little bit, seeing the kids in my life walking away but I remembered my uncle and cousin and was instantly grateful that these kids, mine and his, were all coming back to us.
We get to plan vacations, high school graduations, proms and dances, missions, and one more baptism. And although we will share some of these experiences with other people in their lives, other family members that are here because our families are shared families with shared siblings who found each other because of death, divorce, or remarriage of their parents, I know that I would much rather share my children with other people who love them and to say goodbye while they visit their other families than to not have them at all.