So, I have a new follower which means my followers has gone from 9 to 10. I'm in the double digits now and I'm gaining in popularity. The problem is this follower is confused.
He or she has their name listed as Fake Friends Suck (there's a hyphen in there somewhere but I didn't pay enough attention to remember where). I don't know if it's a he or a she or maybe a she-man.
I, however am a real person with a real blog and a real name and real followers, although I think very few of them actually follow, which is fine because as anyone can see this is just a venting place for me. My own husband doesn't even read my blog.
I think anyone with a follower named Fake Friends Suck would check out that particular profile, which is exactly what I did. Like, a few times. And guess what? They don't have a blog or a name, in fact they only follow one blog. Which is of course mine. They've had 4 profile views and I know at least 3 of them were me, maybe even all 4.
I'm very much a people watcher, therefore I've become a blog stalker and a Facebook stalker. I Facebook stalk everyone. I FB stalk my ex husbands girlfriends so I know who my kid(s) are being introduced to, I FB stalk my ex husband's sister because she tried to sue me for the boob job my ex husband is supposed to be paying for and I want to know her life sucks (which it does). Petty, I know. I FB stalk my ex boyfriends because, well who doesn't? I FB stalk the bishop, the primary and relief society presidents, the neighbors, the kids teachers and friends who have an account.
I stalk pretty much anyone I can, and anyone who says they don't do at least a little stalking is lying because we all want to know something about someone.
I know I just made myself sound like a crazy person so lets get this straight. I generally drop in on someone once. Or in some cases every few months. I look at pictures, check out the family, make sure they aren't too weird and if they clog up my newsfeed I unfriend or block them, and if I never see them on the newsfeed I forget they're even on my list. I don't have time to stalk more than that. I have six kids and when I don't have all six of them I have a house to clean, people to visit, an adorable dog to play with, FIVE kids that I babysit and haul around even when I don't have my own children, and other important things to do that other moms do over the period of a month and I do in two weeks.
So the point of this post is that there's really no point other than to let the stalker know that I know they're there and that I'm ok with it. It almost freaks me out, but more importantly makes me feel sorta like a celebrity. So, thank you stalker who may or may not be a she-male and may or may not even stalk me at all (um, ya right) but who has now put me in double digits and made me feel important. I should have found a stalker years ago.
If I actually have anyone who reads my blog, please visit this link so my stalker can have a few more views than the 6 I've made (I had to check the page to make sure the link worked, so now the views are up to 6! Congrats stalker!)
http://www.blogger.com/profile/14185101679049893589
And I just have one question. If I have a real profile, and Fake Friends Suck has a fake profile, doesn't that mean I'm real and they're fake? So are they saying they suck since they're a fake friend on my profile? Now that's deep.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Rules
George and I just hit our 4 month anniversary. No, not our 4 month wedding anniversary, but our 4 month anniversary of the first time we met. And a week before that we hit our 2 month wedding anniversary. When we talk about memories that we've made we're always like, uh were we just dating or were we engaged at that point? Then I thought, we can't remember because we dated for just under 3 weeks, and were engaged for like 4 weeks after that. It feels like so much longer. Feels like we've been a family forever. Our children bonded immediately, the girls went to camp right after he proposed and the bonding that happens at girls camp is so amazing, I remember the times I was camp leader and the connections and friendships made. The girls introduced each other as sisters and they've BEEN sisters since then. They text each other, they support one another, they protect and love each other and it's wonderful to see and feel.
I have a connection with the teenagers Camilla and Seritta. George has a bond with 7 year old Vanessa. We both love them all but it seems that I've sorta claimed the older ones and he naturally babies the little one. The boys are just boys and we love them all the same :-)
So, back to my adorable husband. I swore when I moved here that I would never marry a Vernal boy. Ever. Because I didn't want to be stuck in this podunk town for the rest of my life and the chance that we were related was much too high. That was rule number one.
Rule number two was I would never marry an oilfield worker. There's so much porn and swearing and drugs and infidelity out there and I know the temptation is hard for men to resist. Also, there's the chance that they could leave for weeks at a time and that hurts the bond between husband and wife. I know this because my last husband would leave for weeks and I was pretty much a single mom with young kids. Raising kids alone wasn't as hard as missing my husband. So, oilfield worker was out.
Rule number three was nobody with kids. I get really attached to kids and if there's a breakup it destroys me. So, no dating anyone with kids because I wouldn't be able to let them go. That's hard to find in a Mormon town and I knew I'd be single until I was ready to go back to California.
And rule number four. No talk of marriage until at least 6 months of dating. I met my first husband four months before we married, my second..well... one date. For reals. I got my third ring less than two months after meeting and we broke up right after. My fourth ring took only two months and we broke up six weeks later. So... I've never had a serious relationship that lasted more that a few months until I either married them or we called the wedding off. I never knew about the addictions, girlfriends, history, etc.
All of that was ruined with George. And I'm so glad. He was raised in Vernal, knew my whole family, and we went to the same ward. He was six years older (I've mentioned that) than me so I don't remember him but his sister lived next door too him, and her daughter (his neice) was one of my besties. We used to play barbies together and she was my boss at Ace Hardware a few years ago. We chill at the Chinese restaurant from time to time and have girl bonding. Her son and my daughter were in 1st grade together and now go to the same middle school. So, since my family was raised in Jensen and his in Naples (like 5 miles apart) there was a risk we were related. He actually checked before our first date because he was also nervous about being related and although there were a few marriages between members of his family and mine, like cousins and second cousins, there was no blood relation. Rule number one, no marrying a Vernal boy, out the window.
Rule number two, no oilfield. Well this is an oilfield town and he works on a rig, one of the most dangerous oilfield jobs out there, but good money. He's so amazing and so into the gospel that he will never give into the temptations out there because he knows he always has the protection of the Lord and the Holy Ghost as long as he lives right, which he does. In fact it's just opposite. He's a good example to those around him and he knows it. There's stability in that he's been at the job a long time, there's peace in knowing he doesn't participate in "extra curricular" activities at the rigs. So, rule number two out the window as well.
Rule three. He had three kids. He had a teenage daughter, and I adore teenagers. That was probably the scariest part, because the bond I felt with his oldest daughter from day one was so strong and I knew I would be heartbroken if I fell in love with his kids. So out with rule three.
And rule number 4, a very important rule. No engagement until at least 6 months of dating. George and I met and married in 7 weeks. I don't think I've said much about that time because I was so afraid he would leave me. So afraid of the humiliation that comes with telling everyone I've met Prince Charming and that he and I will live happily ever after in his castle, only to turn around and tell them I was wrong once again and that Prince Charming is still in love with someone else, or that he has an addiction that is far more important to him than an eternity with me, or that he just doesn't love me enough. That I simply wasn't good enough, spiritual enough, thin enough, calm enough, and that he couldn't handle who I was and am and will always be.
I finally found Prince Charming. I kissed a lot of frogs to get to him and found a lot of heartache (and some happiness as well) along the way. And we live happily ever after in his Castle, where he comes home to me every night and I know that to him I am good enough, spiritual enough, thin enough, calm enough, and that he can handle me. And I know he's in love with me and only me and that nothing is more important to him than an eternity with me and our family. He is everything to me. I couldn't imagine life without him and I haven't even known him for six months, let alone dated for that long. I can't imagine feeling like I have before where I knew I wasn't worthy of being loved or of feeling this kind of love for someone else. I thought he was cute and fun and maybe acting a little more religious than he really was and probably playing up the wonderful family man, but we all try to show our best side at first, right? Wrong. He showed who he really is. He loves his children, he loves his religion, he checks in on his mother and he lives a life I thought impossible for a man to live without a woman pushing him.
So, I'm finding that when I'm involving the Lord in my important decisions (which I didn't the first three times, not sure what happened with the fourth because I thought I was involving the Lord with him and actually recieving promptings and answers) that he will guide me in his own time. I was praying about George before I even met him face to face. I was getting a blessing right after and learning about him and praying like crazy. He was fasting and praying 8 days after we met and found my ring on day 9. I didn't expect this, I didn't expect him, and I didn't expect the Lord to answer my prayers, at least not so soon. But he did. And it was so right. I have seen my testimony grow since I found George. I've started to trust the Lord, to love myself, and to want to be a better me every day.
I now know that I can make as many rules as I want and map out my future perfectly, just the way I think my life should go. But if the Lord has another plan and I listen to him, I will choose to live the life he has planned for me and understand that his plan is sometimes different than my plan. And that's ok.
I have a connection with the teenagers Camilla and Seritta. George has a bond with 7 year old Vanessa. We both love them all but it seems that I've sorta claimed the older ones and he naturally babies the little one. The boys are just boys and we love them all the same :-)
So, back to my adorable husband. I swore when I moved here that I would never marry a Vernal boy. Ever. Because I didn't want to be stuck in this podunk town for the rest of my life and the chance that we were related was much too high. That was rule number one.
Rule number two was I would never marry an oilfield worker. There's so much porn and swearing and drugs and infidelity out there and I know the temptation is hard for men to resist. Also, there's the chance that they could leave for weeks at a time and that hurts the bond between husband and wife. I know this because my last husband would leave for weeks and I was pretty much a single mom with young kids. Raising kids alone wasn't as hard as missing my husband. So, oilfield worker was out.
Rule number three was nobody with kids. I get really attached to kids and if there's a breakup it destroys me. So, no dating anyone with kids because I wouldn't be able to let them go. That's hard to find in a Mormon town and I knew I'd be single until I was ready to go back to California.
And rule number four. No talk of marriage until at least 6 months of dating. I met my first husband four months before we married, my second..well... one date. For reals. I got my third ring less than two months after meeting and we broke up right after. My fourth ring took only two months and we broke up six weeks later. So... I've never had a serious relationship that lasted more that a few months until I either married them or we called the wedding off. I never knew about the addictions, girlfriends, history, etc.
All of that was ruined with George. And I'm so glad. He was raised in Vernal, knew my whole family, and we went to the same ward. He was six years older (I've mentioned that) than me so I don't remember him but his sister lived next door too him, and her daughter (his neice) was one of my besties. We used to play barbies together and she was my boss at Ace Hardware a few years ago. We chill at the Chinese restaurant from time to time and have girl bonding. Her son and my daughter were in 1st grade together and now go to the same middle school. So, since my family was raised in Jensen and his in Naples (like 5 miles apart) there was a risk we were related. He actually checked before our first date because he was also nervous about being related and although there were a few marriages between members of his family and mine, like cousins and second cousins, there was no blood relation. Rule number one, no marrying a Vernal boy, out the window.
Rule number two, no oilfield. Well this is an oilfield town and he works on a rig, one of the most dangerous oilfield jobs out there, but good money. He's so amazing and so into the gospel that he will never give into the temptations out there because he knows he always has the protection of the Lord and the Holy Ghost as long as he lives right, which he does. In fact it's just opposite. He's a good example to those around him and he knows it. There's stability in that he's been at the job a long time, there's peace in knowing he doesn't participate in "extra curricular" activities at the rigs. So, rule number two out the window as well.
Rule three. He had three kids. He had a teenage daughter, and I adore teenagers. That was probably the scariest part, because the bond I felt with his oldest daughter from day one was so strong and I knew I would be heartbroken if I fell in love with his kids. So out with rule three.
And rule number 4, a very important rule. No engagement until at least 6 months of dating. George and I met and married in 7 weeks. I don't think I've said much about that time because I was so afraid he would leave me. So afraid of the humiliation that comes with telling everyone I've met Prince Charming and that he and I will live happily ever after in his castle, only to turn around and tell them I was wrong once again and that Prince Charming is still in love with someone else, or that he has an addiction that is far more important to him than an eternity with me, or that he just doesn't love me enough. That I simply wasn't good enough, spiritual enough, thin enough, calm enough, and that he couldn't handle who I was and am and will always be.
I finally found Prince Charming. I kissed a lot of frogs to get to him and found a lot of heartache (and some happiness as well) along the way. And we live happily ever after in his Castle, where he comes home to me every night and I know that to him I am good enough, spiritual enough, thin enough, calm enough, and that he can handle me. And I know he's in love with me and only me and that nothing is more important to him than an eternity with me and our family. He is everything to me. I couldn't imagine life without him and I haven't even known him for six months, let alone dated for that long. I can't imagine feeling like I have before where I knew I wasn't worthy of being loved or of feeling this kind of love for someone else. I thought he was cute and fun and maybe acting a little more religious than he really was and probably playing up the wonderful family man, but we all try to show our best side at first, right? Wrong. He showed who he really is. He loves his children, he loves his religion, he checks in on his mother and he lives a life I thought impossible for a man to live without a woman pushing him.
So, I'm finding that when I'm involving the Lord in my important decisions (which I didn't the first three times, not sure what happened with the fourth because I thought I was involving the Lord with him and actually recieving promptings and answers) that he will guide me in his own time. I was praying about George before I even met him face to face. I was getting a blessing right after and learning about him and praying like crazy. He was fasting and praying 8 days after we met and found my ring on day 9. I didn't expect this, I didn't expect him, and I didn't expect the Lord to answer my prayers, at least not so soon. But he did. And it was so right. I have seen my testimony grow since I found George. I've started to trust the Lord, to love myself, and to want to be a better me every day.
I now know that I can make as many rules as I want and map out my future perfectly, just the way I think my life should go. But if the Lord has another plan and I listen to him, I will choose to live the life he has planned for me and understand that his plan is sometimes different than my plan. And that's ok.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Salsa
The bonding time I had with Vickie and Kellie was the best part of it and almost worth the time it took to make the salsa. I love that I'm able to bond with my kids stepmother (Kellie) and that she's like a sister to me. I love her very much for who she is. So, salsa was a success, the experience unforgettable, but I'm so over it. Never again, I swear it!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Peeing in the corner
(pre-note): after that last blog entry, the crap hit the fan. Apparently he still blog stalks me. And I thought I was creepy for FB stalking every few weeks.
Ok, so on to me being domestic. I made jam. Lots of jam. Like, 65-ish cups of jam. It was freezer jam, and although I did it over a period of two days because I had two shipments of fruit, it could have been done in a day because it was very simple. 40 cups were made one night between 8 p.m. and 1 a.m. with my friend Niki and it was freaking hilarious. Our boys slept in the living room and Adam had a sleep walking episode. Here goes, I know I'm going to have to delete this entry and most likely put him in therapy if he ever finds out I posted this but I'm just a bad enough mother that I'm cool with that.
Around midnight he woke up. My home is a tri-level with a split stairway between the front room and living room, one set of stairs leading upstairs to two bedrooms (one of them massively huge), a bathroom and a hall closet, and the other set downstairs to another bedroom, a bathroom/laundry room and the family room. The boys room is upstairs.
Back to sleepwalking. Adam woke up and headed toward the kitchen rubbing his eyes. I asked him if he was ok, he said he's finished. Finished with what, I asked. Finished thinking. Then he walked headfirst into the wall between the two staircases. I started laughing, he looked up at me like I was crazy and headed upstairs. Niki asked what he was doing, and I said don't worry, he's asleep. She pointed out that his eyes are still open. Don't worry Nik, he's still asleep. So we continued smashing raspberries.
I started to wonder what he was doing when I didn't hear the bathroom door close. When Jarom and Dominick aren't around he generally wouldn't volunteer to sleep in his bedroom alone given the opportunity to crash in the living room with Niki's son, Cadon. So I headed upstairs and at the top, I knew he was in the bathroom because I could hear him peeing. And the door was open. Not really cool. So I reached in to shut the door, but there was no one there. Weird? My first thought is our wonderful dog, who never ever does anything wrong (except chase cars and bark and stab me with his ridiculously long nails at night) is peeing in my house! In my disgusting boys room! I hurry in there and no, it's not the dog peeing in the corner, but my eight year old son. Super not cool.
Now, I don't know how many people deal with sleepwalkers, but I have learned not to startle them or they freak. So I put my hand on his back and said quietly... son, you're peeing in your room. He turned away and finished peeing as I'm telling him, you're pottying in your room... you're peeing on your closet door... eventually he turns around, does up his fly, stares at me... and laughs. And I started to laugh. I asked him if he'd been sleeping, he said yes, crawled into bed and fell asleep. So I went downstairs, knowing I was going to have to scrub carpets in the morning, and smiled because I knew I'd have a great story to tell him.
When I told him, he laughed and laughed until I was finished with the story and asked.... How old was I? Uh, dude, it was last night. His eyes about popped out of his head. How emabarrassing he says and starts laughing harder!!!
It's a great blackmail story and other than the pee on the carpet, I think I'd be willing to make jam every week if I got entertained like that!
Next blog entry... The horrors of canning salsa. I'm a bit too traumatized for that post just yet.
Ok, so on to me being domestic. I made jam. Lots of jam. Like, 65-ish cups of jam. It was freezer jam, and although I did it over a period of two days because I had two shipments of fruit, it could have been done in a day because it was very simple. 40 cups were made one night between 8 p.m. and 1 a.m. with my friend Niki and it was freaking hilarious. Our boys slept in the living room and Adam had a sleep walking episode. Here goes, I know I'm going to have to delete this entry and most likely put him in therapy if he ever finds out I posted this but I'm just a bad enough mother that I'm cool with that.
Around midnight he woke up. My home is a tri-level with a split stairway between the front room and living room, one set of stairs leading upstairs to two bedrooms (one of them massively huge), a bathroom and a hall closet, and the other set downstairs to another bedroom, a bathroom/laundry room and the family room. The boys room is upstairs.
Back to sleepwalking. Adam woke up and headed toward the kitchen rubbing his eyes. I asked him if he was ok, he said he's finished. Finished with what, I asked. Finished thinking. Then he walked headfirst into the wall between the two staircases. I started laughing, he looked up at me like I was crazy and headed upstairs. Niki asked what he was doing, and I said don't worry, he's asleep. She pointed out that his eyes are still open. Don't worry Nik, he's still asleep. So we continued smashing raspberries.
I started to wonder what he was doing when I didn't hear the bathroom door close. When Jarom and Dominick aren't around he generally wouldn't volunteer to sleep in his bedroom alone given the opportunity to crash in the living room with Niki's son, Cadon. So I headed upstairs and at the top, I knew he was in the bathroom because I could hear him peeing. And the door was open. Not really cool. So I reached in to shut the door, but there was no one there. Weird? My first thought is our wonderful dog, who never ever does anything wrong (except chase cars and bark and stab me with his ridiculously long nails at night) is peeing in my house! In my disgusting boys room! I hurry in there and no, it's not the dog peeing in the corner, but my eight year old son. Super not cool.
Now, I don't know how many people deal with sleepwalkers, but I have learned not to startle them or they freak. So I put my hand on his back and said quietly... son, you're peeing in your room. He turned away and finished peeing as I'm telling him, you're pottying in your room... you're peeing on your closet door... eventually he turns around, does up his fly, stares at me... and laughs. And I started to laugh. I asked him if he'd been sleeping, he said yes, crawled into bed and fell asleep. So I went downstairs, knowing I was going to have to scrub carpets in the morning, and smiled because I knew I'd have a great story to tell him.
When I told him, he laughed and laughed until I was finished with the story and asked.... How old was I? Uh, dude, it was last night. His eyes about popped out of his head. How emabarrassing he says and starts laughing harder!!!
It's a great blackmail story and other than the pee on the carpet, I think I'd be willing to make jam every week if I got entertained like that!
Next blog entry... The horrors of canning salsa. I'm a bit too traumatized for that post just yet.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Kiddies
I am no longer Amber and Company, family of 4 without a daddy but WE are now Amber, George and company, family of 8 with both a mommy and a daddy and a dog named Jack. So, now I think I will change my blog, play with it a little bit, and add pictures of my wonderful family. I don't talk much about my children on here and I just noticed that as I was scrolling through past blog posts. So... here's a little bio on each of my beautiful children:
Seritta Merrell was born August 15 1997, which makes her 14 as of this post. She is quiet, level headed, slow to anger, and just plain sweet. She is tall and beautiful with dark hair and hazel eyes and she takes after George's family when it comes to looks. We've been playing around with makeup (especially eyeliner) and with or without it, the child is lovely. Most importantly, she's been the mother of her father's house. Because of that she's learned patience and kindness and she is an amazing example of true charity. She scrapbooks, journals, talks about boys, takes care of younger siblings like a pro, and reads her scriptures often. I feel like I can relate to her on a level I never expected.
Jarom Chase Hall was born April 15 2000. He's so very serious and cautious. He is concerned about things around him, and worries about his family and friends. He's smart. Like, super smart. He skipped a grade last year and caught up in about 6 months. He has thoughts that are incredible, often too deep for me to understand. He has dark hair and hazel eyes like his dad but he looks enough like me that people often say he takes after my side of the family, until they see him next to his daddy. That child is the clone of his father, with a dash of Sadlier thrown in. He's so sweet and sometimes has to fight back tears when he sees an injustice. He's also a little small for his age but he makes up for it in his strong personality (ok, its more like attitude but whatever!).
Dominick Merrell was born April 29 2002 and he turned 9 this year. He's ALL BOY. He plays sports, farts, burps, shoots things like prairie dogs and dragonflies (really) and adores his dad. He's the only blonde and I've been trying to decide who he looks like. I have a picture of his dad at his age and he does look a lot like a Merrell but I can see some of his mothers side in him as well. He is into sports and George is wonderful about helping with and going to games.
Adam Stanley Meager was born November 13 2002 and will be nine in a few months. He is crazy, funny, carefree and intense! When he's happy, he's hecka happy and when he's sad, the whole world is crashing down. He's also very much a boy and he and Dominick are best friends. He tells jokes and stories and loves to play with other people. He looks like me, with dark hair and eyes and just enough of Steve to look like a Meager. He's a crackup and sooooooooo fun to hang out with!
Vanessa Merrell is our baby, born March 2004. She's a diva through and through. She thinks she rules the house, and she sorta does. She has lots of attitude and personality and pretty much gets whatever she wants because she's so headstrong. I fear we may have some clashing with her soon, simply because she's used to ruling the roost, and thats now my job! I love Vanessa so much for who she is, probably because she's so much like me. She looks just like her mother with dark hair and eyes, but she loves her daddy. She and I look enough alike that she could pass for mine easily, and we love each other just like she was born mine. She can kick her brothers butt when it comes to wrestling, but she pouts and bats her eyes like any princess, which is what George calls her. Click here to read another post about Vanessa.
Seritta Merrell was born August 15 1997, which makes her 14 as of this post. She is quiet, level headed, slow to anger, and just plain sweet. She is tall and beautiful with dark hair and hazel eyes and she takes after George's family when it comes to looks. We've been playing around with makeup (especially eyeliner) and with or without it, the child is lovely. Most importantly, she's been the mother of her father's house. Because of that she's learned patience and kindness and she is an amazing example of true charity. She scrapbooks, journals, talks about boys, takes care of younger siblings like a pro, and reads her scriptures often. I feel like I can relate to her on a level I never expected.
Camilla Jade Hall was born August 17 1998 and is 13. She is short and adorable, looks like me but has her aunt Hillary's cute pouty lips and chin. She has one of those faces that can pull of any look, but with her height (or lack thereof) she looks younger than she is. Throw some makeup on that girl and she suddenly becomes a teenager. Sometimes I look at her and my heart almost breaks at the thought of her in three years when she's 16 because she really does get more beautiful every year. She's so very kind hearted and joined me in donating ALL of her hair a few years ago for cancer victims. She gets her feelings hurt because she is so tender and would never intentionally hurt another person, therefore she has a hard time understanding. She wants to do what's right, loves her family and the gospel, and she is loved by everyone around her.
Adam Stanley Meager was born November 13 2002 and will be nine in a few months. He is crazy, funny, carefree and intense! When he's happy, he's hecka happy and when he's sad, the whole world is crashing down. He's also very much a boy and he and Dominick are best friends. He tells jokes and stories and loves to play with other people. He looks like me, with dark hair and eyes and just enough of Steve to look like a Meager. He's a crackup and sooooooooo fun to hang out with!
Vanessa Merrell is our baby, born March 2004. She's a diva through and through. She thinks she rules the house, and she sorta does. She has lots of attitude and personality and pretty much gets whatever she wants because she's so headstrong. I fear we may have some clashing with her soon, simply because she's used to ruling the roost, and thats now my job! I love Vanessa so much for who she is, probably because she's so much like me. She looks just like her mother with dark hair and eyes, but she loves her daddy. She and I look enough alike that she could pass for mine easily, and we love each other just like she was born mine. She can kick her brothers butt when it comes to wrestling, but she pouts and bats her eyes like any princess, which is what George calls her. Click here to read another post about Vanessa.
I would love to elaborate on the children as a family, and not just individually but I am out of time today. I must go get my boy from school and pretend to clean my home. I will just say I love these children and I'm so very happy that I get to mother them :-)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Adjustments
My new life has begun :) I anticipated happily ever after from the start. For the first time, I did it right. I married a man who reads his scriptures daily, reminds us to have family prayer, and never forgets his personal prayers every night. A man who loves the Lord, loves me, loves our family, and wants to do whats right. But.... it wasn't happily ever after from the start. It was a power struggle from day one. Both of us having been single for a while, him almost 3 years and me a year and a half, with him living the bachelor life for two weeks and stay at home daddy for two weeks, spending his money where he pleased (Basin Sports for hunting stuff.... like hundreds maybe thousands of dollars. For reals) and me living the typical single mother of 3 life, working one job 4 days a week, another 7 days. They weren't the hardest jobs, but they were an emotional strain and several days a week I wasn't home until 6 p.m. I was dancing and partying on weekends, attached to an on-call phone every day and the clubhouse every night, and spending my money on my children but allowing myself the luxuries of shopping, manicures, and chocolate when I needed "therapy".
Suddenly I am a stay at home mother of six two weeks out of the month and a stay at home mother of one the other two weeks of the month. I have my sisters children 4 days of the week... so I am surrounded by kids... which is fine. But I have a man here and we both are used to having our way. It's hard for me to be the wife and mommy and give up the dancing, the manicures, the new heels every month and the freedom of doing what I want when I want. So yesterday I decided I won't. We've had tension because I've felt like I must be the martyr, giving up the things I want because I now have responsibilities as a wife and mother and my identity was changing, I was no longer independent Amber, mother of three, wife of none but not unwanted, owner of everything I wanted from men, ruler of my own house and my own life. I realize now I don't have to lose myself in this man who loves me. He doesn't expect me to become what he wants, because he fell in love with me, with who I am and not with who he wants me to be. He wants me to be me and I will be just that. I can't go back to the wife and homeschool mother I was in my last marriage, because it was never me. I just thought it was.
And now, since I've decided to be me, to spend the time and money I need to keep up my high maintenance life, we are happy :-) I am happy and because I am happy he is happy because he loves me and thats what he wants, is happiness.
I love him so much, I love who he is, what he stands for, what he believes and what he has planned for us and for eternity. So, I've been married a day short of 3 weeks and I realize that I am so in love that I trust him enough to be myself and to let him see me for me, and not the typical Mormon wife I thought I should be. Knowing he loves me, and knowing I love him and that together we love our children, I am so completely happy. I truly love my life... and it doesn't mean I don't miss my old life or that I don't have adjustments, but I do truly love my life.
Suddenly I am a stay at home mother of six two weeks out of the month and a stay at home mother of one the other two weeks of the month. I have my sisters children 4 days of the week... so I am surrounded by kids... which is fine. But I have a man here and we both are used to having our way. It's hard for me to be the wife and mommy and give up the dancing, the manicures, the new heels every month and the freedom of doing what I want when I want. So yesterday I decided I won't. We've had tension because I've felt like I must be the martyr, giving up the things I want because I now have responsibilities as a wife and mother and my identity was changing, I was no longer independent Amber, mother of three, wife of none but not unwanted, owner of everything I wanted from men, ruler of my own house and my own life. I realize now I don't have to lose myself in this man who loves me. He doesn't expect me to become what he wants, because he fell in love with me, with who I am and not with who he wants me to be. He wants me to be me and I will be just that. I can't go back to the wife and homeschool mother I was in my last marriage, because it was never me. I just thought it was.
And now, since I've decided to be me, to spend the time and money I need to keep up my high maintenance life, we are happy :-) I am happy and because I am happy he is happy because he loves me and thats what he wants, is happiness.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
88 hours 45 minutes
88 hours and 45 minutes until my wedding. And I'm not ready. I don't think I'll ever be ready. I'm excited and not afraid about marrying this wonderful man, but worried about how the families will blend. I wonder if it will be hard or if it will come naturally. I hope it isn't like a warzone it our house. Our house... the sound of that is so amazing :-) Our house, and our kids and our life. And what a wonderful life I'm anticipating with a man who loves me, loves the Lord and loves his children. And I thought moving to Vernal meant giving up my chances at marriage so that my kids could be near their dad. How wrong I was, and how grateful I am that I came back and found my future waiting right here at home.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Pre-wedding stress
Two weeks from tomorrow is my wedding day. While I'm stressed that all of the planning has to be done in such a short amount of time, the wedding isn't the main worry tonight. It isn't even the issue of moving a family of four in with another family of four and becoming a family of eight. In a three bedroom house. With six children born over a period of six and a half years. Or moving all three bedrooms around so the three girls get the biggest room since two of the girls will be teenagers and praying that those two teenage girls who are suddenly sisters become best friends rather than mortal enemies. It's not having all three boys (two of them only six months apart) in the smallest bedroom and hoping they survive each other. And that the bedroom and furniture survive them.
Tonight, while my soon to be husband is at work and my son is sleeping on the couch as I update the blog rather than work on moving the bedrooms, I find myself feeling scared and excited and wishing I had more time but also hoping the next two weeks passes quickly. Now we'll have a husband and daddy who loves us and wants to take care of us. And he really does love us, and he really does want to take care of us.
I just hope it doesn't go away like it has in the past, over and over. I hope we'll have a happy loving family with children raised in a home centered around Christ and the gospel. And I hope and pray that I don't fail again as a wife, because more than ever I just want my children to understand that life is about more than parties and dances and endless dating. I don't want them to believe that marriage is disposable, that relationships are temporary or that daddies leave when things get too tough. But it's so very hard to expect the kids to believe in happily ever after when I've proven to them that it doesn't exist. So tonight I will pray that I can finally show them it does.
Tonight, while my soon to be husband is at work and my son is sleeping on the couch as I update the blog rather than work on moving the bedrooms, I find myself feeling scared and excited and wishing I had more time but also hoping the next two weeks passes quickly. Now we'll have a husband and daddy who loves us and wants to take care of us. And he really does love us, and he really does want to take care of us.
I just hope it doesn't go away like it has in the past, over and over. I hope we'll have a happy loving family with children raised in a home centered around Christ and the gospel. And I hope and pray that I don't fail again as a wife, because more than ever I just want my children to understand that life is about more than parties and dances and endless dating. I don't want them to believe that marriage is disposable, that relationships are temporary or that daddies leave when things get too tough. But it's so very hard to expect the kids to believe in happily ever after when I've proven to them that it doesn't exist. So tonight I will pray that I can finally show them it does.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Proposal
The boyfriend is now the Fiance!
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I don't know exactly how it happened, or how fast. Many of my friends say I'm crazy, that I'm on a rebound, not thinking straight because of my recent breakup, lonely or just want a daddy here for Adam. All I know is that I've prayed, had a bishops blessing and felt peace and happiness. I truly believe the spirit is present when we're together in his home, watching our children and planning our future. George fasted and prayed before proposing and I know he loves the Lord, he loves the gospel, and he listens to the spirit. Had he not gotten an answer that this is right, we wouldn't be together planning forever. I love this man, I love his children, and I love the thought of knowing he'll be mine every day for forever.
Not sure if I've even mentioned his name on here because I was trying to avoid drama if this didn't work out. Apparently it will work out perfectly. He is George Merrell, and he is wonderful. I met George years ago as a child I'm sure, although neither of us remembers the other. I think we were in the same ward, as he lived only a few miles away and knew my older brothers. Back in October or November (can't remember) our friend Misti... who I now owe my LIFE to... introduced us on Facebook and he sent a message now and again, completely disappearing during the times I was in a relationship and engaged but popping back up when I was single. I moved back in May, and we went on a hike June 11 with his three children and my Adam. Pictures were posted on Facebook that night and everyone assumed we were dating and had been for a while. 3 days later he held my hand for the first time and 3 weeks plus a day after that, on July 6 he proposed. Add it up, and we had 3 1/2 weeks from first meeting to engaged. We'll be married August 4th, less than 2 months after meeting.
All this talk of forever... does this mean temple marriage? Unfortunately not yet. I am still sealed to my first husband and anyone who has experienced this in the church knows how long it can take for a sealing cancellation to process. We both have some steps to take before we're at that point, and hopefully soon I'll be able to submit the paperwork to the first presidency.
And finally... THE PROPOSAL!
Last Wednesday we went to Red Canyon Lodge up by Flaming Gorge dam for dinner. I had been hoping and feeling a proposal was on the way, however I didn't expect it that night and I thought his niece (one of my best friends since we were babies and still one of my favorite people) had just given him my ring size a few days earlier.
After dinner, we went to the lookout where the weather was perfect and the view was beautiful. He kissed me, took my hand, and asked me to marry him. It sounds so cheesy on here and doesn't even compare to the thoughts and feelings that were in that moment. I was full of love and happiness as I looked at the man I adore and thought of our future together.
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