Reminders

"Sometimes God gives us reminders to hold those we love just a little nearer then we did the day before. Life can change in an instant, or what you thought was one way is really another."
My sister in law, Shalain posted this quote as her Facebook status a week or so ago and I have no idea if she said it or someone else but I found it interesting in light of what my dad has recently gone through. Here I've been contemplating life and eternity and when I called my mom to check on dad Sunday she told me that our cousin Donny had died. He was older than me, and we weren't close but he had teenage boys he was caring for and he will be the third child his dad will have to bury. Although I wasn't close to him personally, I felt the shock that we all feel when someone we know has died and my thoughts immediately went to his father, and then to my children and my own parents. The common theme in my blog posts has been how grateful I am to be back home and this weekend was just the same. More reminders of how wonderful my crazy family is.
Yesterday was independence day and last night I had a barbeque with my niece, Brianna and her husband Matt and my nephew, Tyson and his wife Kim. Afterward we set off fireworks with some of the people in our ward and ended the night with a visit to see my love. The entire day was full and fun. I went shopping in the afternoon with one of my best friends, Annalee and just had some good girl bonding time. Every Independence day, Vernal has an annual parade as most cities do and I sat in front of Jubilee with my older children, their siblings and their stepmother as we watched the typical Vernal parade (which is actually really pathetic). The kids ate sticky blue popsicles and when it was done they headed home with their other mother. After the parade, my boyfriends children passed by and said hi, his youngest daughter stopping for an enormous hug and after they left and my own kids were gone I sort of felt the same sting I felt at the airport last week when I dropped my baby off to fly in a big plane all by himself. I was sad for a little bit, seeing the kids in my life walking away but I remembered my uncle and cousin and was instantly grateful that these kids, mine and his, were all coming back to us.
We get to plan vacations, high school graduations, proms and dances, missions, and one more baptism. And although we will share some of these experiences with other people in their lives, other family members that are here because our families are shared families with shared siblings who found each other because of death, divorce, or remarriage of their parents, I know that I would much rather share my children with other people who love them and to say goodbye while they visit their other families than to not have them at all.

Being a mother and a daughter

Yesterday I flew my baby boy to San Jose, California to see his daddy.  All alone.  And since my older two are at their dads for the summer I suddenly felt empty and lonely.  This week I've had to question my life... who am I... what life am I giving my children? 
As I watched my little 8 year old board the plane ever so excited for his adventure, I was able to hold back the tears until he turned the corner, but as soon as he was gone they started to spill over.  There was no open sobbing, but a mother behind me saw me wipe at my eyes and sweetly asked, "Is it his first time?".  When I nodded she told me it gets easier with each flight and I thought how sad it was that she knew this and that her children experienced the same thing.  I felt like such a horrible mother as I noticed other people looking at me with concern, probably pitying the single mom and the boy from a broken home.  How much of this was in my own head, I don't know but the feelings of sadness and failure were still there, and the thought of my child in a huge plane way above the clouds with no mom or dad to hold his hand was scary.  I had images of the plane going down in a fiery ball of fury and I was near panic when I saw them begin to taxi onto the runway, and I followed along watching through the windows until it was out of sight.  He's gone for 8 days.  8 days is a long time, longer than he's ever been away from me. 
During the 3 hour drive home from the Salt Lake City airport with some of my best friends there with me, I started to wonder if this is how our Heavenly Mother felt when we left.  If she worried about the lives we would have with the "other parents" that she was trusting us with, hoping they made the best choices for their earthly children just as I was worrying about my child so far away with his dad.  I'm sure she watches us during our short time on earth and hopes for our safe return, just as I hope and pray that my son comes back to me safely.  We often think of our Heavenly Father and question his plan and his feelings for us, but lately I've wondered about his partner, the mother we left and will hopefully return to some day.  I must trust my children to make the best choices they can when they're away from me, to take care of themselves the way I've taught them and to remember their value and who they really are, whatever their circumstances may be, and I'm sure our Heavenly parents hope the same for us.
So here I am, wondering about life, about my future... worrying about my parents AND my children... and I feel once again that coming here was the best thing.  The best thing for my almost teenage daughter who I felt needed her father at this critical time in her life.  The best thing for my sons, who no longer have to live without the priesthood now that we have Jarom and Camilla's dad just minutes away and my father here in our home. The best thing for me as I find myself drawing close to my friends who even with my three year absence are here for me, loving me and forgiving me for not being the friend I should have been while I was gone.  And the best thing for my soul as I find peace in those around me and feel love from my Savior, my bishop and my old ward. I think I'm healing as I now see how unhealthy the life I had in California was for my family and I'm so very grateful that I made it back home to my parents, who I'm sure felt the same way about me while I was gone as I'm feeling about my son during his little vacation.  The judgement I thought I would feel, the critisism and scoldings about my facial piercing and the plastic surgery I had in California have not come, and I almost feel like the prodigal daughter welcomed home with open arms.  Funny how even at 31, when I've been on my own for nearly 15 years, I still need the comfort of my family, the strength of my father, and the security of knowing that my mother is near if I need a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on.

Fairytale moments

I don't think I've EVER travelled as much in my life as I have the last month.  Between the move from Cali, our vacay to Four Corners and our recent trip to St. George, I'm tired of the car.  Why St. George though? My super tough daddy had surgery for lung cancer.  He found out he had it over a month ago and it's part of the reason I came home. 
The reality that my father is not immortal, as I'd always thought, was overwhelming.  I had to realize that the people who love me most were two states away and thats where I belonged.  The surgery went well but I was not prepared for the state my father would be in after the doctors had their way.  He was in intensive care for a day and when I first walked in I saw Superman with a forced oxygen mask on his face, tubes coming from his body, some of them draining blood from the surgery and others pumping medications into him like crazy.  His monitors showed a heartbeat that was way too slow and his breathing was shallow and sometimes he'd go too long between breaths.  I didn't realize he was on a machine at night for sleep apnea and I'd never seen him breathe like that.  I only stayed a few minutes and abandoned my sister with him before he woke up.  A few hours later I braved the creepy ICU again.  He was sleeping and I didn't dare wake him for fear I would either have to see him in pain or even worse, start crying in front of him, so I just sat and watched him until mom came in a few minutes later.  I will never ever forget the way she took his hand and placed a cold washcloth on his forehead or how he slowly opened his eyes completely unaware that I sat in a chair just a few feet away from him and softly said to her "I think I must have died and went to heaven. There's an angel in my room."  Over the last ten years I've watched my dad slowly change from a grumpy old fart into a husband who clearly adores his wife.  He's still got his grumpy fart moments but he's definitely softened.
Watching my mom stand over his hospital bed with the monitors that read his scary heartbeat, tubes filled with blood, and a morphine button at his side was a moment in time I'll always remember and that they'll never fully understand. 
Finding myself single after having planned a future with 4 different men, two who I married and two that ended before the I do's, I've learned that "The Fairy Tale" simply doesn't exist.  That everything I've been told about love and eternity and happily ever after is just a myth, or perhaps I was just one of those girls who had pissed God off enough that he didn't feel I deserved it.  Either way, watching them together in that moment made me realize that while life is not a fairytale, it can have it's fairytale moments and those moments can carry us through to the next fairytale moment.  I haven't found a prince willing to wait for the moments that make the tough times worth while but I suddenly believe he's out there and I can't wait to start our story.
As for my Superman dad, he's doing a little better.  He's still in the hospital, still having pain and still not wonderful but I have faith that he'll be ok in time. 
If I didn't believe that, I think my world would suddenly twist and contort from a fairytale into a nightmare.

Vacation

I made it to UT!  And we left for vacay the next day to see Four Corners, Mesa Verde, the Aztec Ruins and Silverton, CO.  Mom and Dad and dads long lost cousin, Jake Zimmerle went as well as my sister Joan, her husband Jeff and their five kids; my sister Stella, her husband Jon and their 6 kids.  And of course, Adam and I.  It was so fun and so tiring!  I'll be adding pictures soon.

Last night my old friend Laura came over to help clean out the closet of the room I'll be staying in.  My parents own a company and on top of that... they NEVER throw anything out.  The combination makes for a ton of stuff in their home so adding me plus three kids seemed impossible.  Once we got started we realized we had much more room than we thought due to extra vertical space provided by the high vaulted ceilings.  Yay for extra room!  BUT by the time we were done we were laughing hard enough to pee ourselves. 

The reasons for the nearly peed upon blue jeans can be shown through some of these pictures.



a reciept for a soda mom purchased 9 years ago, 



Sadlie thought she found a Reese's... come to find out it was just an empty wrapper, Grandma.... you got same splainin to do!



Why does the oxygen tubing need to
 be tied to the suitcase?



Patterns from 25 years ago



Ok Red Onion Saloon? This is just WRONG!



As I was going throught things, finding this and that (especially the stuff I KNOW was made at least a decade before I was born) I couldn't help but be thankful for my mother and how hard she worked to take care of us.  I never fully appreciated it until I was an adult, and I'm sure I still don't but she is really amazing. And she's ALWAYS happy.  I tried several months ago to call and tell her these things but I know the words didn't come out right. 

So, last night with one of my best friends, Laura beside me, going through memories and telling them to Laura's daughter, laughing and thinking of my mother and dad, I realized that although I'm homesick for California and that I miss my friends and my recent ex fiance.... I'm exactly where I need to be.

 I'm homesick, lonely at times, moody, emotional and heartbroken over the life I had planned for myself only to have it go away.  And now I need nothing more than to be with my mother and father, the people who have been a constant for me my entire life.



I'm back

So, it's been a year since I posted. I've been blog-stalking all of my friends and figure I should update mine as well.
So.... here's the last 11 months in a nutshell:

June: Nothing much happened. Lots of parties and fun with the midsingles.

July: Fireworks at Sheila's house. A little about Sheila... she's amazing, beautiful and wonderful. One of my best friends, always there when I need to cry or when I need to be put in my place.

August: Family visit to the farm. I realized I had become a California girl through and through.

September: Midsingles conference in San Jose. I decided at this time that I REALLY wanted the gospel in my life. At the conference, George Dale took me on roller coasters at Great America!

October: A HUGE Halloween party at Libby Altop's house. I dressed as the devil :)

November: I lost a wonderful roommate, Priscilla. She moved into her own place with her daughter... but I gained another wonderful roommate, Eva and her daughter.
Thanksgiving at the clubhouse with the mids. It was amazing. My friends are wonderful, I wasn't alone for the holiday and we had an incredible day with lots of food and games.

December: BROADWAY!!!! I went with my good friend Lezhai to see Donny and Marie on broadway in New York City! It was awesome!!!! I met some wonderful friends and made incredible memories... not to mention had the chance to catch up with a beautiful woman who I've not seen since I was 14 years old.
I also entered a relationship with George the roller coaster riding bee keeper. It was short lived but we gave it a go and I'm so grateful for him in my life because he gave me a little faith in the men of our church. George was my first boyfriend since my divorce was finalized and he left me a better person and more ready for other relationships. The George update is that he is now dating a beautiful woman named Kim who I see as a good friend and love like a sister because she is simply wonderful.

January: My youngest son, Adam got baptized. That was hard for me. His grandpa came out and did it, and it was wonderful but so sad to realize that he was growing up.
I started dating Steve Kneeland this month. More on that one later. I imagine LOTS more on that one later.

February: I turned 31.... wow

March: I got engaged! March 6th Steve proposed to me... it was one of the happiest days of my life.

April: We broke up and I felt like my whole world shattered....

May: That brings us to now. I'm packing my crap and running home to mommy and daddy. It's where I was born and raised, it's where I learned to hunt, cook, sew, pray, swear, play stinkbase and do everything else I love. It's where my family is, my friends, my LIFE. And even though I never thought I'd go back... it's where I belong right now. I'm terrified, excited, sad, and happy. I'll get to attend every reunion this year because I'll be home. I'm going to go on the deer hunt... scary. I'm going to float down the river and sleep out on the trampoline. And I'm going to love life, be grateful for my family, live with my mommy and daddy for the summer and make incredible memories with them while my children are surrounded by their cousins and friends.

Let the party begin.....

Dear Blog....

My good friend says I write in my blog like I would write in a diary.
so...
Dear Blog,
Today I realized how horrible I've been at updating my blog. I am such a terrible person. I have about 4 more posts to go to get it up to date. I hope my friends still love me even though I'm unlovable.
More to come if I don't get so depressed I go into a coma.
Love,
Miss Horrible.

Single life

Various Midsingles events

Me and Michelle... LOVE that girl!

Playing games with the midsingles at Jerry's

Sardines.... the best excuse to snuggle with boys, no strings attached :)

Midsingles clubhouse dance party

Karaoke at Stephanie and Kelly's place. This was for Kelly's birthday party.

Memorial Day Barbeque at Jerry's

Will Hobbs

Pictures of Cami at the Will Hobbs ceremony in Auburn. She took her momma and her friend Julie, we had lunch and she got an autographed book by Will.

April update

I'm getting worse at posting regularly. A few things have happened worth mentioning but not much. My Cami was voted class secretary. She now gets to sit by the boy she has a crush on during class meetings because he is class president. She's also captain of the basketball team and she just won a county award for writing a story. She gets to meet an author (can't remember his name) and get an autographed book. So proud of her!

Jarom turned ten April 15th. Such a brat for doing that to me. He had fun, got some good toys, and officially hit the double digits in his age.

I attended my first singles activity yesterday. It was fun, there were five of us ladies and one guy! We went to the Scottish Highland games with the boys and they made a new friend named Conner.

Conner, Jarom and Adam in front of a parade of bag piper people

Me with a King and Queen. Or Lord and Lady. Or whatever they call themselves.

Now on a more serious note. My camera died. Adam dropped it and my poor camera became a dead camera. Although Mr. Camera will never be forgotten, after more than a month of mourning my good friend sent me a new one and I can now take good pictures and not just crappy ones using Cami's little camera.

Look how much better this picture is compared to the pictures above! You can even see the toothpaste spots on the mirror!

As if that wasn't enough tragedy, my phone died of old age. She was a faithful phone, she'd been dropped in the water five times and stayed alive but finally her charger went out and she peacefully joined those phones who had gone before her. She now sleeps in the county landfill. Her replacement is on the way and should be here by the end of the week.

February?

Wow, where did February go? The time flies by faster and faster every year. We're two months into 2010 and I find I'm still writing 2009 on all forms and papers that require a date. The last day of the month is only a week away! February hasn't been any more exciting than January was (which is actually quite a bit of excitement!) but a few things are worth mentioning.

My friend Crystal called and asked me to sub for Bunco this month. I love subbing for Bunco! It gives me a little girl time that I never think I need but always realize I do once I get there.

Camilla got a suprise for Valentines day! She had a delivery of three dozen red roses a few days before the holiday. Yes, three dozen! No one can figure out who sent them, it just said a Secret Valentine. She's going nuts trying to figure it out. The petals have started falling from the flowers that are now wilting on the dining room table, but knowing my daughter she'll not remove them from that place until the last petal drops.
She's suddenly becoming a big girl, with boy crushes and girl secrets. She's having to deal with jealousy and fighting with other little girls, who can be very cruel. Being as sweet as she is, she doesn't really understand the unfairness of growing up with kids who can be unkind to one another and to themselves. I love her so much for being the innocent little thing she is and for wanting to do whats right all the time. I had to endure the Young Women's preview this month which was heartbreaking for me because it forced me to accept that she'll be twelve this year. Turning twelve is a big thing for a girl because they enter Young Women's and leave Primary, which introduces them into a new phase in their lives. I think it's going to be as hard on me as it is her.

I'm working five days a week now, in charge of an after school program at the apartments where we live. Most days I like the kids I work with but it took a couple weeks to get to that point! They call me Mrs. Wonderful. I "suggested" it by promising a pizza party if they did it for a month and we're going on two months now and they continue. I love it!

I realize I only posted once this month, but I'll do better I promise! I hope everyone else has had a great February :)